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Pretend for a moment that you have been captured by terrorists. They shackle you up in their torture chamber, where you are confronted by their fiendish leader.
“So,” he sneers, “Are you going to cooperate? Or are we going to have to make you cooperate?” And he emits an evil cackle.
At this juncture, you are faced with two options:
Behave nobly, and stubbornly refuse to have any part in this travesty; or
Break down and sob like a child.
I suspect you’ve played this scenario through your mind at one time or another. Hollywood represents our collective unconscious, or at least our collective imagination, and this set-up arises with predictable regularity in action thrillers (including every James Bond movie ever made). It seems sensible enough to ask yourself what you would do in this situation, all the while knowing perfectly well you’ll never know for sure (unless – god forbid – it ever happened.)
The real question is – why do those two options spring to mind as the only alternatives?
The answer is that you contain two selves – the adult and the child. Under stress, you can either resist the urge to regress and stay conscious as an adult. Or you can permit stress to regress you, go unconscious, and return to the young child.
It doesn’t take terrorists to trigger this voyage back to infancy. The collapse fantasy, as I call it, lurks as a temptation in our minds most of the time.
One of my patients recently found himself on his knees, weeping and pleading with his partner to take him back. Her response, as you might imagine, was mostly disgust and horror that this man she’d respected had collapsed before her eyes into a helpless child. His adult self might have realized you sometimes have to step away if you want someone to follow – but the child wanted what he wanted and was going to scream until he got it. Needless to say, it didn’t work.
Later, filled with remorse, he told me he didn’t know what came over him. When a patient tells me something like that – some version of “I don’t know what came over me” – I know he’s describing unconscious behavior. And when we go unconscious, the child – and the collapse fantasy – tends to take over.
Once the child’s in charge, here’s how things operate:
He experiences solitude as abandonment. An infant abandoned even for a moment in his cradle, if he registers the slightest need for care, will scream as though in mortal danger. For all he knows, he is. He is utterly dependent.
He goes victim and broadcasts his upset. He perceives his scream as his only means for survival.
He is impulsive and pleasure-seeking. He wants what he wants. Now. Put a shiny toy in front of an infant – he wants the shiny toy.
Essentially, the child is an infant – your earliest incarnation. The temptation to regress into that infant state is strong because it reproduces a time when you received total attention and care. All you had to do was register your desires – any impulsive desire – and it would be satisfied. Mom would come running – someone would come running – if you only yelled loudly enough.
My client, stressed by his partner’s stated desire to leave the relationship, succumbed to the temptation to regress, and began relating to his partner as an infant to a parent – weeping, crying, begging for the care he needed. He entirely forgot her needs – which only drove her further away.
The collapse fantasy haunts us – especially when we’re under stress. In fact, “nervous breakdown” is a code word for the collapse fantasy in action. That’s when you announce you are overwhelmed and can’t take it anymore – you are giving up…and they cart you away to the looney bin. I’ve run into this syndrome mostly with younger patients – adolescents or people in their early twenties. They “lose it” and do something crazy, or make a half-hearted suicide attempt – whatever it takes to end up in a mental hospital. At that point, in the vast majority of cases, they realize they’ve made a mistake (mental hospitals are not relaxing places.) That’s when they begin to see that the collapse fantasy doesn’t work as a life strategy. The help you really want – mommy – doesn’t arrive.
Why does the collapse fantasy present such a strong temptation? Consider the trajectory of your life, for a moment, in terms of loss. As you grew out of childhood, the first, profoundest loss was the total, unqualified attention of a parent. Have you ever watched a young child at a playground calling for his mother to watch him do some trick on the jungle gym? “Mommy. Mommy. Mommy! Mommy!! MOMMY!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!” …until she finally breaks off her conversation, turns, and acknowledges him with a wave.
As adults, we have to parent ourselves, and assume responsibility for our own needs (as well, perhaps as the needs of our children and even our parents.) That can feel overwhelming. It’s no wonder we unconsciously long for a return to the past.
The good news is that adulthood brings benefits as well as losses. It’s a trade-off in some respects, but independence can be sweet. It feels good to make your own decisions, and rely on your own judgment. If you’re not busy screaming for someone else’s attention all the time, you can begin focusing attention on yourself – and give yourself the care you need.
Four hours and 34 minutes is the time it took me to get to you on a beautiful Friday night. You offered to drive because you knew I had been on what seemed like an endless road to you for over four hours. And, I can remember how you made 17 turns on our way to the Southern most point of the U.S. Being there with you felt so natural as I sensed five spirits floating around us while we sat there, smoking a blunt. And, I heard 2,047 waves crash on the rocks next to where we sat as you offered to ride me on your back to climb them. I counted 167 stars while you spoke to your brother on the phone. And, I was so intrigued by the sound of your tongue…
While we sat on that little corner of the island, 13 cars drove past us, each and every time blinding me with their headlights. And, I felt exactly 1,723 butterflies flapping their wings in my belly when I wrapped my arms around you as we sat on the beach – traffic going past us. I felt 7,323,206 grains of sand tickle my toes as I sat gently on you feeling you filling me. I could feel 8, 357, 127 goose pumps all over me when I received your release.
As we laid, flying high, I kissed you good night and realized that I had kissed you 89 times between the time I arrived and the moment I would fall asleep. I woke up next to you for the 17th time and made love to you for the 58th time that morning. We ascended 88 steps to the top of the lighthouse that you insisted we climb. And, in the 20 minutes that we roamed the flea market on our way back to Miami, you picked up the most beautiful ring. There are 15 amber beads on that ring I wear with each bead representing the number of times that I will recall the 3 times you called out my name when we got back on the road.
There are 844,800 feet keeping me from laying my head on your chest to listen to your heartbeat 76 times per minute. There are 25,749,440 centimeters preventing me from wrapping myself around all 74 inches, 210 pounds of you at this very moment.
Last night, as we spoke on the phone for exactly 34 minutes and 56 seconds, I couldn’t help but release 498 tears as I realized that the truth of our relationship is the closest thing to impossible that I’ll ever have. And, on my 23-minute ride to work this morning, I realized for the first time that I have to be grateful for the 4 months that I’ve been given with you. When I hung up my phone after hearing you say that you’ll be driving into Miami tonight, I came to the realization that although you and I will never be together, there is only one man in this entire universe that will ever truly have my heart. And, I came to the conclusion that although I’ll love again, there is only one man that I want to lie next to when I’m laid to rest. So, when I kiss your lips good bye, know in your heart that there is one woman out in the world that will love you into your next lifetime and the many more thereafter. Know that there is one woman who was willing to dedicate her entire lifetime to pleasing you. Know that there is one woman who will love you until she closes her eyes for the last time. Know that as I am taking my final breath, it will be your face that I will hold in my memory to take me into my next lifetime.
Shauna Sand
Sasha Grey
A couple of pictures from the 27th Annual AVN Awards in Las Vegas. The red carpet was small and the publicist handling the media for the red carpet was unprepared and it was a free for all when it came to media placements on the carpet. The Palms Hotel crew did a great job lighting the red carpet. There were 4 bank Kino Flo’s along the entire length of the carpet and 2 bank Kino Flo’s above and behind the carpet as accent lighting. I decided on shooting both camera’s available light since the lighting was so good.
It was a quick trip to Vegas.. Got there around Noon on Saturday and left @ 6:30am Sunday. I’ve said it once and i’ll say it again… I LOVE Vegas. Happy Thursday everyone.
i had three people who were vampiring all my mental energy today, and i watch other people deal with teh same people and they’re just better at it. i’m no good at shit like this. i was reprimanded for my tone with a client. i’ve known since i’ve seen how this person operates that she woudl be a problem for me at work.
the point is, i came home and sat at the computer, staring, reading news stories, reading gossip, reading blogs, hiding from everyone because i can’t decompress from shit like that.
i guess tomorrow i will find out how much trouble i’m in for how i responded to the asshole. to be fair, everyone hates this person, so it’ll work to my advantage. people will at least understand why i put her in her place because they all want to as well, she’s notoriously high maintenance and stupid. i maintain, however, that it’s an act and she gets free shit by playing dumb. what i don’t get, and it’s how i deal with everyone, is why we don’t just cut her loose. all the accusations of us cheating her, all teh lying about us, all the complaints about losing money working with us, why not just say, i’m sorry it didn’t work out and let it go?
but that’s how i deal with everyone. see, when i am unhappy with a person or situation, i end the relationship. because i’m a grownup. i don’t complain incessantly, i bring up the issues once or twice, try to resolve them, and if they’re not resolved, i move on. i don’t subject the person to constant criticism and accusations, i feel that it’s my responsibiiltty to make myself happy in the relationship. ergo, when i am unhappy, it’s my own damn fault.
and i expect people to do the same. i expect people to state what they want from me, give me a chance to say yes or no or i’ll give it a shot, and then make their decision on whether it’s working. so…. if you don’t like something about me, it’s a vast and wide world, lots of people to hang out with, to fuck, to do business with. sorry it didn’t work out.
i don’t ask for free shit from the businesses i work with. i don’t ask them to accept responsibility for my mistakes. if i’m unhappy with a business, i find another one who does what i need. i have the freedom to work with whomever i please.
so when i’m expected to preserve a relationship that’s to my company’s disadvantage, i don’t really understand that. and i’m not likely to understand that at any point in the future. meaning, reprimands like i got today are likely to continue until i get fired. because when i get an email telling me i’m lying and cheating, my own sense of logic tells me that this person is going to find a company she likes better, which she can’t because we’re the best at what we do and we’re also the most accommodating to her nutjob shit. my gut tells me to tell her sorry it didn’t work out, and let her come back to me and tell me she’s she will pay what we charge. on time. and i just don’t see a problem with that.
but now, i’m aggravated and my kid won’t go to sleep which means i can’t either, and i wish i could just shut everyone out and not have any stimulation but i can’t because i was aggravated by three people today.
and i’m sure i am one of those aggravating people, to some people, on one day or another. and if for that reason alone, i really ought to be better at getting aggravated and letting it go.
I have been with my fiance for 4 years now, we are very in love, but his mother and sister are extremely different than us, what I mean by that is his sister has always been the favorite, she gets anything she wants from her mom everyday, by the way they live together. His mother and sister both treat me like I’m dirt, and I know they only tolerate me. They will literally ignore me when I’m around, I cannot take much more of this, what do I do?
I’m not sure there is much you can do. If your boyfriend has known this for 4 years and done nothing about it, then you may want to rethink your marriage to him. If he has done something and they haven’t changed then you have a choice to make. You either tolerate it knowing that once married things will stay the same or this is a deal breaker. If you choose to marry then don’t complain about the behavior. It is something you can walk away from now. When you are married you shouldn’t walk away from it because you have made a committment.
I was accused of being a pervert! Specifically “A filthy fucking low perverted sex peddling whore, no better than an ordinary Jezebel wrecking homes and marriages.”
Wow. Take a deep breath lady (and I use the term loosely), I sell sex toys. To willing customers. Male and female. And I have never sold one to any of your family, I am sure of that!!
The problem with people like this is that they don’t enjoy sex, they see it as something dirty, to be kept inside, and not discussed. Missionary position only or you will burn in hell!!!
Screw that shit. I love sex. I have fun with it, I like toys, I like girls, I like boys.
I’ll make a deal with all of you prudes out there. You refrain from telling me what you think of me and my business, and I will refrain from telling you what I think of you.
Get laid, it’ll do you good.
To all the people who enjoy sex, with whomever your preference, welcome to my world. Good sex rocks. Bad sex rocks harder!
Just as long as all partners are willing, I’m into it.
How about you?
Love,
Chiquita
x
Release Date:20 March 2009 (UK)
Genre:Action | Comedy | Horror About
